Stupid customers and their pearls of wisdom.

These are true stories of some of my dealings with some so called customers, and their attempts to manipulate me. This list will be growing as I recall some other "jewels."

The mechanic. I went to this guy's house to give him an estimate. As a matter of habit I always ask customers if they have chosen the paper, what the repeat is, etc. I asked the question: "Is this American measure paper or metric?" He replied: "American."

I gave him a price and on installation date I get set up, ask to see the paper and this is what happened.

Me: Mr. D this is not American measure paper! You have metric paper!

Mr. D: What's the difference, this paper is made in the USA!

Me: Well it's made in the USA but these are metric rolls and they contain less square feet that American measure paper.

Mr. D: What the hell do you mean?

Me: Well that means that we will not have enough paper to do the rooms you wanted done. It will take at least 4 extra single rolls per room.

Mr. D: Well, I will buy them, but what is the big deal? It is the same amount of square feet.

Me: It means that the estimate will change completely.

Mr. D: It's the same square footage even  if it will take more rolls.

Me: Well I quoted you preparation plus $ X.00 per single roll. That changes the amount!

Mr. D: You are not a professional! If you think I am going to pay you for extra rolls you're crazy!

Me: I am not in the habit of arguing over prices with my customers, and YES I am crazy, I don't need anybody to help me stay broke, I've done a good job of that myself several times in my career! I think you better get some other fool to put up with you. See you later!

He was still cursing when I left, later I found out that somebody else had hung the paper and it eventually came apart because no primer was used. This guy was an example of the definition of Justice: Justice is when you get just what you deserve!

Mrs. H. Went to her house to hang the paper. This was one of Virginia Brown's job at the time we were working together. I start in the kitchen and Virginia starts in the powder room. By this time Mrs. H has left for work. Virginia is having problems with the seams, they are horrible. The husband is at home so she calls him and shows him the problem, his response was: "It looks OK to me, hang it!

Next day Mrs. H calls dissatisfied with the powder room. We proceed to tell her about her husband saying that it was OK and to hang it.

Mrs. H: " Well my husband does not speak for me"

Virginia: Get your husband to tell you!

Mr. H: Leave me out of this!

Me: OK Mrs. H, you have made your point, you obviously don't want this paper. Let me tell you what we will do: We'll strip the paper, refund the labor, and replace the paper. There is only a couple of things we will do: First we will replace it with exactly the same the same pattern, and second you need to get another hanger.

Mrs. H: Why will you not hang it? And why can't I pick another pattern?

Me: Mrs. H, There is a total breakdown of trust here. If we came back to rehang your paper we'll feel like you will be looking over our shoulders, and you'll be looking for something wrong. It is just not the best situation for both of us. Your husband was not a man of his word and we are through here.

She finally picked another pattern, returned the one we had replaced, and got a real lousy job from the other hanger. This cost some money but it was the best solution.

Mr. Jealous: This man calls me on the phone and sets up an appointment for an estimate, and when I show up he is not home. His wife lets me in and while I am measuring he comes in from buying groceries.

I introduced myself and the first thing that comes out of his mouth is: "How long have you been alone with my wife?" I told him about 30 minutes and handed him the estimate.

Needless to say that when he called me to schedule I told him I was booked for months in advance and could not get to him. I referred him to a lady hanger.

The Old Lady. This woman pestered me to do her job on her schedule, and that should have been a clue. I moved somebody else to get to her and when I was finished with the installation this is what took place:

Me: "Mrs. X here is your invoice."

After she looks over the invoice, this is what happened:

Mrs. X: "Do you know what I want you  to do?"

Me: "No Mrs. X, is there a problem?"

Mrs. X:" I need for you to wait until the end of the month when I get my interest check."

Me: "Mrs. X, I don't know what interest percentage you are getting, but I guarantee you that even if I would for a minute consider going along with your suggestion, you would not be able to afford the interest rate that I would charge. I think you better pay me now."

I did get my check.

The Orthodontist. This guy asked me to hang his reception room, never asked for a price, he said he trusted me. Thinking back, I should have seen this one coming. I hung the room, left an invoice and a self addressed, stamped envelope. A week went by and no check, so I called his office, and this is how it went:

Me:: "Hi, this is Gerard, I wondered if you had mailed my check."

Dr. Y: "Well, I wanted to talk to you about this bill."

Me: "What do you mean?"

Dr. Y: "I did not know it was going to be this high."

Me: "Dr. Y, are you a good orthodontist?"

Dr Y: "Of course!"

Me: "Well, I know your work does not come cheap, I am a professional paperhanger and I don't give away my work. I am not cheap"

At  this  time I have just about heard all I can stand from this guy. How dare him suggest that he is worth more than me?

Dr. Y: "I want you to know I am not going to cheat you ."

Me: "Dr. Y, I know you are not going to cheat me because I have good collection agency, a Colt 45 collection agency."

I got my check in the mail the next day!

The Pilot. I had gone to his house, gave him an estimate, and he accepted it. On installation day I started setting up and he proceeds to tell me exactly how I am going to hang his wallpaper. I looked at him, started to break down the equipment, and this is how it went:

Pilot Z: "What are you doing?"

Me: "I am leaving, you know so much about this that you should do it yourself!"

Pilot Z: "You can't do that!"

Me: "Watch me, call my boss, have him fire me!"

As I walked out the door with the last of my equipment:

Me: "I want you to know this, my wife works for Delta Air Lines also, and when we get in the plane, we don't stick our heads in the cockpit and tell you how to fly the plane. We sit down and shut up, and that is exactly what you should have done when I came in to hang the wallpaper. Goodbye"

I was lucky that I left, this guy could have been a problem anywhere along the installation process.

 The Dingbat. Here is one my son Rusty had : He has finished wallpapering the kitchen for these newlyweds and he is looking for the switch plates. Here is how it went:

Rusty: Mrs. M where are the plates?

Mrs. M: Pointing "In that cabinet"

Rusty opens the door of the cabinet, and sure enough, there are the dinner plates!

Stay tuned folks, more later.